get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
