You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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