y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Oh god it's open bar.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
