dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
