He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Someone signed my nipple.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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