I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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