Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Houston, we have a blender
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
