I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
