Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
