I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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