Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
