I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
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my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
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Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?