my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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