from now on my penis is your penis
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Randomize
