You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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