I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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