the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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