true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
