I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
