Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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