she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
