just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
