Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
