I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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