bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
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She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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