he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
