now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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