Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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