Soap is not a condiment
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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