she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
