I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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