Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
