Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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