I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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