life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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