All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
