how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
