I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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