I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You're a disaster
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