I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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