we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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