I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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