Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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