He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
