i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
