I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
