How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
