I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
