Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
