Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
