I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
