Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
