I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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