listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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