Plan B is the new Plan A
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
