12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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