paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
